Comment Wall

La Llorona
Storybook link: El Salvador Legends


Thank you for your feedback and hope you enjoy my storybook!

Comments

  1. Hey Emily!

    I just finished reading your introduction for your storybook and I wanted to share my thoughts with you! I like your choice of story and the way that you introduced it with the grandfather and the grandchildren. I also chose to use a storyteller in my storybook, just because I think it helps provide context for the choice of perspective. When you mentioned the wailing woman, my mind immediately went La Llorona, though I wasn't sure that that was the intended story until I came to this comment wall. I'm glad you're doing this story! I feel that many don't know this story (except for that weird movie they made about it) in its proper context and I look forward to seeing how you choose to tell it! There were a couple of errors with capitalization and some other grammatical or spelling errors that should be easily fixable with a quick proofread. I also thought that perhaps you should make all the lines in Spanish italicized like you did with the one line from the grandfather's mother. I think this would help to differentiate them a little from the regular English.

    Also, as a side-note, I tried to use the link you provided in your storybook to get to this comment wall but it didn't seem to work. I ended up having to use the link provided on the storybook comments assignment page to get here. Just a heads up that your link may be broken!

    Great job!

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    1. Thank you for your feedback and the link error! Appreciate it! :)

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  2. Hi Emily!

    Just finished reading your Introduction, and overall, I loved it! I lived for a while in Mexico, and my boyfriend is from there, and reading your story reminded me of watching my suegra tell stories to her granddaughter, my boyfriend's niece. That bit of nostalgia was really comforting for me, so thank you. I liked the back and forth bickering between Ava and her brother; having grown up with two older sisters, I can attest to the fact that constant bickering is a fact of life in any household with siblings. I also appreciate that you left it on a cliffhanger, with the children begging for more, because it makes me want to know what's going to happen in abuelito's story.
    For the most part, I don't have very many suggestions, just a few grammatical things. I think you could make use of commas more in the dialogue. Read the dialogue aloud, and wherever you would pause naturally, you could put a comma there. This could give the dialogue a better flow, more conversational. I also think you missed a set of quotation marks near the end, when Elias says "No she doesn't!" It looks like the dialogue continues after he gives Ava serious look, but I think you just missed some quotation marks signalling that. When abuelito tells the kids not to fight anymore, I think it should actually be "peleen" since it's a command. Here's a link to a conjugation chart for the imperative version of "pelear": https://www.livelingua.com/spanish/verbs/tenses/negative-imperative/pelear/. Other than those minor things, this was great! I really enjoyed reading it, and hope to read your next installments soon!

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  3. Hi Emily! I Hope your semester is going well!

    I liked your story a lot! Great job describing things as they’re happening!! It really makes me curious to continue reading and helps it flow super easily.

    This is an awesome example of incorporating movement into a dialogue!
    “Is someone trying to escape their bedtime?” Abuelito Tomás said as he picked up little Ava onto his lap.

    I think one thing that could really improve this is incorporating different words for “said” and making sure that you stick to one verb tense per sentence.

    What if you changed this:

    Elías hearing this and also trying to escape their early bedtime said with a big grin, “Please, abuelito, we love your stories from when you were little like us.”

    To this:

    Elias heard this and joined the desperate attempt to delay bedtime. Grinning guiltily, he implored, “Please, abuelito, we love your stories from when you were as little as us!”


    I hope you have a great semester! Good work!

    -Tricia

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  4. Hi Emily!

    I really like how you mixed English and Spanish into your story. There's such a smooth transition between the two (I could be biased given that I was raised in a Spanish household).

    I think you could incorporate more of a description and setting in your story instead of just only dialogue as it helps the reader of a story focus on the setting you want them focused on instead of letting them place your characters and story into somewhere that isn't related to it.

    I would also fix the formatting in your story. I copied and pasted mine from a word document and it looked pretty funky when I published it so I had to manually fix all of the random spaces in my story.

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  5. Hi Emily! I love the concept for your project! I don’t know much about the topic, so I’m very intrigued to see where you take this! The look of your site is lovely and it’s also easy to navigate. I would maybe like to see differing images between stories. It might add a certain distinction between them and give them their own unique look and feel. Your introduction was so clever. It perfectly alluded to what was next. I would love to see the encounter be a little bit longer! What you already have is great, I would just like to see more! Your writing style is great and it all flows together so well. I like the use of dialogue and the mix of English and Spanish as well. I think that you’ve done a fantastic job with this and I’m definitely looking forward to reading more of your stories!

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  6. Hi Emily! First of all, I a really happy that you are doing stories from El Salvador, I think it is great that you are using this project to honor your own culture. That being said, I do have so feedback that I hope will be useful. For the Spanish parts of your introduction, tell us is actually dinos with an n not an l, and for when the mom talks it is caer a sinchazos not cayer. This isn't too big of a deal since most people can't read Spanish, but I still wanted to mention it. I also think that the best way to offer translations would be to put it in parenthesis right after it is said in Spanish rather than paraphrase it in English, it makes the writing feel forced instead of flowing naturally. Also, in the story about La Llorona it would be "perdónenme hijos" since it is plural, and at the end when Tomás tells his brother they have to be strong it would be "tenemos que ser fuertes" so you only have to change hacer for ser. Overall, I love the way you set up your storybook, it is such a realistic depiction of Latino culture, the kids hearing stories from their abuelito, and I can't wait to read the next stories!

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  8. Hello Emily,

    I would like to start off by saying that you did a great job writing this story. I like what you have done with the El Savador stories. I like how you utilized this project tie it back to your own culture. I honestly do not know much about the topic you wrote. I also believe that your story flowed really well and it was put together very well. I like what you did with the introduction having put Spanish. I also think putting the translations in the beginning would have been better. The tone of the story also was good which made the story enjoyable. I also like that there was a smooth transition when you wen from Spanish to English which made the reading more easy to read. Overall I think you did a great job with this story and can not wait to read more of your stories.

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  9. Hi Emily!

    I really appreciate your use of Spanish in the stories! But I appreciate the translations to English in the Author's Note even more. As someone who knows very little Spanish - thank you! Also, I like the way Abuelito Tomás cuts the stories short. It kind of reminds me of the movie version of "The Princess Bride" when the grandfather tries to tell his grandson to get some rest, but the grandson is so enamored by the story. The emotion I get from the grandkids in your story really gives me the feeling that they are deeply invested into the stories.

    One thing you might consider regarding "Encounter 1: La Llorona" is breaking the middle paragraph up into several smaller paragraphs. Especially in online formats I find it difficult to read large block paragraphs. The substance of the paragraph is great! But it might be easier to read/follow if it were broken up a little. I am excited to read your future stories and for the grandkids to once again be disappointed when the story is cut short.

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  10. Hi Emily!

    After reading both the Introduction and the Encounter 1, I have to say I became about as invested in abuelito's stories as both the children. I really like how you are playing into using the Spanish in dialogue as it gives an authentic feel to the story as it is set in the grandfather's youth back in El Salvador. Also, I really enjoyed the back and forth between both the kids as that also makes for a much more realistic story as I had a sibling growing up and remember being their ages. I'm curious if there is more to abuelito's story or if he may even have more stories from when he was there age? Also will these scary stories affect the children or cause them any trouble as they are children, but they are not necessarily super young children? Overall though I absolutely love the story so far and can't wait to read what comes next!

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  11. Hey Emily!

    First off, I love how you made the storybook into the story it is! Having the stories told orally is very important and is something many people forget about! I really love that the first story is La Llorona! Very spooky for sure! I like to hear the different versions of the story and how the different origins change! I don't know if I would change anything so far! Keep up the good work!

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  12. Hi Emily,

    What a cute introduction!! I t was so good to see how heartfelt it was, and you could just tell how much Tomas loved his grandkids. I speak Spanish so I understood everything, but great call on making a little glossary at the bottom so that everyone can know what the phrases in Spanish mean. I have heard the story of La Llorona before, so I am really excited to read your version of it!

    WOW! I loved that story and how descriptive it was! I can't wait to finish reading your storybook when it is all done. Also, great layout on your page and the pictures that you chose are outstanding.

    I also think that it is really cool how you chose to make this storybook connected to your heritage. I know in your introduction you mentioned that your parents are from El Salvador so the connection you made is really sweet. You made it personal and that sometimes makes it even easier to write and to connect to your writing.

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